HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER IN AKWA IBOM

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There’s a murder in Akwa Ibom State. Series Director Bill D’Elia has been contacted. Star Actress Viola Davis just arrived Uyo. Here is some of her advice on how to get away with Murder;

1. Know something about Reversed Psychology (Whatever that means)

2. Have a cousin who is a Local Government Chairman and ready to lie for you.

3. Have a Kufre Effiong who is well connected and can always ‘manage to give you some slaps’ when you tell him you just murdered someone. His press release should also have exciting hyperbole.

4. Have a Police Force that completes a murder investigation in 5 minutes. Get you a clean shave and new apparel while in their custody. They should also be willing to help you explain how you murdered the person. They should also not cordon off the purported murder site, to prevent tempering with evidence.

5. Have a set of journalists that have sworn an oath with buffoonery. They will ask you questions like; “Do you have any advice for the youths” on how to murder someone?

6. Come from a state were politicians pay lips service to all and everything. They should be professionals in wearing black attires in procession for murdered victims.

7. Be connected with persons who are more interested in offering press releases than with verifying claims backed with undeniable proofs.

8. Have a citizenry whose allegiance to a person and persons is greater than their allegiance to humanity.

9. Have a DPO whose statement on your arrest differs with that of your cousin, Kufre Effiong and your other Cousin, the Local Government Chairman. Yet they were all at the scene of your arrest.

If you have all this in place, you can surely get away with Murder in Akwa Ibom State.

 

–By Moses Udoisoh